


what is so different today

by rocketsfindplanets



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, M/M, Sad, USA Hockey National Team Development Program, and mitchell is cockblocking him, mr eichel just wants to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 21:38:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14656746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketsfindplanets/pseuds/rocketsfindplanets
Summary: “jack,” he said eventually. “i think i might love you.”





	what is so different today

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> because sometimes you realise what you want after its too late

1.

ann arbor wasn’t supposed to be anything serious.

not, like— hockey-wise. because it was _everything_ , hockey-wise, and that was probably why it wasn’t supposed to be serious in any other regard.

they poured their hearts and their souls into the game, into their team, into the red, white, and blue they wore on their jerseys.

their first love was hockey and their second was whatever they could scrape up, more or less. sometimes that meant noah, sometimes that meant brandon, sometimes it didn’t.

sometimes it meant auston matthews.

they were never the closest, considering that it was auston’s first year there, but jack wasn’t picky, when it came to that. it wasn’t serious. he wasn’t looking for anything more than a night. anything more meaningful than the drills they did again and again and again until jack was out of breath, wondering for too long if it was even worth it.

(yes. it had to be.)

auston took his breath away like that, too.

they’d cram into too little space, and auston would press a thick thigh between his legs, and jack would tug at auston’s hair, and make noises he’d never admit to, and come.

and auston would whisper, “i love you,” and jack wouldn’t.

it was hockey.

2.

jack fell easy, and he fell hard. he should have seen it coming when he’d first heard the words, “hey, i’m auston.”

(“with an o,” jack had said, lips almost curling into a smile.

“you know who i am?”

jack had just smiled tighter.)

the sometimes noah and the sometimes brandon and the sometimes everybody else turned into auston, auston, _auston_ , and yeah, jack was kind of getting attached.

it was hard not to. auston’s hands were so fucking good, on and off the ice, and it was hot.

auston practically forced jack to talk to him, too, and jack was pretty sure he could listen to him talk about dumb video games all day.

“jack,” he said eventually. “i think i might love you.”

it usually came after booze, or sex, or some combination of the two. this time, it was neither.

“i love you, too,” jack said.

 _you make me feel like there could be more than hockey_ , he didn’t say. it was what he meant. he was pretty sure auston still got it.

3.

boston and ann arbor didn’t work, and neither did buffalo and zürich.

the longer auston was gone, the more jack yearned for him, and he had to wonder why.

everything moved too quickly when it came to hockey. jack had barely known auston a year but he wanted him, wanted to feel their bodies, their lips, pressed together one more time.

“you made me feel like there could be more than hockey,” jack said on the phone, once, too quiet. international charges were kind of a lot, but luckily, he was in a pretty lucrative line of work.

he focused on hockey, which. he was good at that. he always had been.

“do you still love me?” jack asked.

“of course i do. i love you. and i miss you.”

the static on the call made it hard to tell if he meant it, so jack decided that he did. he liked it better, that way.

4.

auston got drafted by the leafs, first overall.

it wasn’t arizona, which was probably a good thing. the leafs weren’t great, either, but that was just kind of how it was for people like them. it was toronto, it was buffalo.

at least auston probably had some other young guys coming up alongside him. a chance.

jack watched the draft, was probably the first one to call afterward. auston didn’t pick up, which was fair.

_Proud of you. gonna kick your ass in the big leagues now too_

he figured auston would get around to answering eventually.

when he did, he just said, _In your dreams._

jack called him again, eventually, and he picked up.

“i miss you,” jack said. “you’re gonna do good in toronto.”

“i hope so. i hope i make the team.”

“please, they’d be stupid not to take auston matthews while they have the chance. you’re gonna make it. easy.”

auston was quiet, for a little bit. “the guys seem pretty nice. a few of the older guys are already in contact with me, it’s crazy. and marner?”

“that’s good.”

jack wanted to say more but he didn’t know how. he could talk about hockey all day, but feelings were a little bit more complicated, especially when it had been so long.

buffalo felt so, so far away from ann arbor. so did toronto.

“hey, jack? i have to go, but—”

“no, it’s okay. i’ll talk to you later, aus.”

“okay. i love you, man, we’ll have to see each other sometime.”

“when we play each other, probably,” jack said, and he would have smiled if he had said it a while ago.

in ann arbor, maybe. before a scrimmage or something.

jack wasn’t smiling.

5.

“sorry, i can’t, i’m hanging out with mitch.”

“oh, well i’ve already got plans for lunch…”

“maybe next time? i was just about to head to mitch’s place.”

okay.

jack was happy for him. he was happy that he got to play with somebody like mitch.

eventually, he stopped asking.

(there were too many texts left halfway typed, never sent.)

“do you still love me?” jack asked. he’d asked it before.

“you worry too much, jack,” auston said, and it wasn’t an answer. “of course. hey, we’ll talk later, okay? mitch is here and—”

jack hung up.

+1.

buffalo was supposed to be serious.

they were all supposed to settle down, because they’d made it, and they weren’t going anywhere, now.

they were supposed to be happy, now.

jack hated that they were happy.

he hated seeing them together, hated seeing that he could be replaced so easily. he wanted to be happy for them but he couldn’t find it in himself, no matter how hard he tried.

he should have known better, back in ann arbor. he should have known.

jack was stuck on a sinking ship that he couldn’t save, and there they were, living on in toronto without batting an eye in his direction.

college had been rocky, them being apart, but it hadn’t been _mitch marner_ rocky.

“i’m happy here,” auston told him. “i hope you can be happy, too.”

and he also told him, “i don’t think i ever really loved you.”

it made jack wish he could erase every second he spent up at weird hours in buffalo and on the road to talk to a boy who decided he needed to play in switzerland, of all places.

it made jack wish mitch marner had never been drafted to the leafs, had never been waiting in toronto to steal auston’s heart.

“i never loved you, either.”

it wasn’t true. jack loved him. he loved him.

and if he checked marner a little too hard during a game, nobody thought it was anything more than an accident.

it was hockey.

jack could do hockey.

**Author's Note:**

> i probably owe you more than a shitty goodbye and a fic, but. you know
> 
> also just fyi to everybody this will probablyyyyy be the last fic i post LOL


End file.
